The Guide to Breakups

By Lauren Brose ‘15

For everyone who’s gone through one before… breakups suck. It’s as if your best friend dropped from the face of the planet and now, suddenly, you no longer have that go-to person to talk to about everything. I am in no way a relationship expert as I have been fortunate enough to have only experienced a breakup once. Still, I remember the awkward period of time where I had no idea what to do with myself— or, as I now put it, my newfound freedom. There’s a number of things that I recommend doing as well as not. I’m not ashamed to admit that revamping my life after nearly 3 years of being in a relationship was pretty scary at first. But, with a new mentality and my real best friends by my side, I was able to experience my best year ever.

A huge thank you to Sex and the City, 500 Days of Summer and my angsty teen shows for illustrating the pains of breakups via GIFS. I couldn’t have done it without you </3

Don’t bottle it up

Brushing all of the pain from a breakup under the rug never ends up going right. Tears will be shed (hopefully not while you’re waiting in line at Seeds) and you may or may not get snappy with your professor when he asks you why you weren’t in class last week. There’s a good chance one of your friends have gone through a breakup and they will be more than supportive during this time. Let them hear you out because from my experience, talking it out and being reassured that the breakup was the right thing to do will only speed the healing process. When you know people who care about you are behind you on this, you don’t feel so alone after anymore.

Change your living space

Paint your room, rearrange your furniture, change your bedsheets… whatever it takes for you to disassociate past memories with the current environment you live in you should do it. When I went through a breakup, I actually moved out of my apartment and into a new one. Looking back, I acknowledge just how lucky I was for that to have happened. I had a new view, new roommates, and basically a new life. It really gave me the feeling of a fresh start.

Don’t try to be friends

At least don’t try to immediately. From personal experience and through the experiences of my friends, it’s apparent that once you cross that line between platonic and more than just friends, it’s hard to go back. Do you know what memories I have to reflect on with my friends? The times we went out, had a few laughs, and called it a night. Do you know what memories I have to reflect on with my past relationship? Dates, holding hands, making mix tapes and all that cheesy junk. In other words, there’s nothing to talk about. Move forward to new beginnings and make new friends. It’ll be way less weird.

Don’t hook up

Whoever thinks this is a great idea is beyond me. So you’ve gone a week without seeing your ex? Sweet, go another week and see how empowered you feel. By succumbing to your urges and insisting on seeing your ex, you’re gonna feel tempted to get your fix. This “high” will only last another week when you want another fix. I am sure you’re not an addict so please don’t act like one.

Focus on the future (and get excited about it!)

Whenever I am feeling down about the present, I never try to dwell on the past. Chances are I am going to focus on the negatives of the past, which are things that have already happened and are virtually unchanging. The future is something to be optimistic about. You can be living in a new city, working your dream job, fulfilling your goal of traveling— heck you might wind up at Burning Man! Whatever it is, get amped about it. Set a long-term goal that will only exemplify your future as being the sickest yet and preoccupy your mind with getting there.

Don’t rush into new things too soon

Many people believe in order to get over someone you need to get under someone. While this might hold true to some, it could also be emotionally damaging. I would say to go with your gut and take it as slow as you need to. It’s perfectly normal to take months to years before you want to start dating again. There’s also nothing wrong with immersing yourself into the dating world within weeks. I’ve seen both happen to my closest friends and family members. Everyone has their own limits so don’t feel weird if you’re an outlier to the standards of your friends.

There’s most likely going to be a phase where you hate

Whatever you do, turn that hate into literature or vent about it with your best friends over a few drinks at the 9-0. I don’t in any way advocate an out-of-the-blue outburst 5 weeks post-breakup that’s over text— or worse, Facebook message. This won’t end well. Own that hate but remember that nobody likes being around a hater. Say your bit and then carry on with your life.

Write down the reason(s) why you’re breaking up

This is a great way to ward off those “did I make the right decision?” questions you ask yourself every time you see something that reminds you of your ex. Yes, you liked to eat at the same restaurant and maybe you both thought Kendrick Lamar was a cool rapper. That is just simply not enough. When jotting down why this breakup is necessary, put a date next to it. The date is a reminder that time heals and that you’ve come a long way since the initial split. It’ll also remind you that you’re only human and you can’t expect to be totally over the relationship only 7 days later. Reminding yourself of his or her’s turnoff’s is also a wonderful way to jump from the sad phase to the angry phase. There’s nothing wrong/inconvenient about expediting that process >:)

Distance yourself and cut off all form of communication

If you’re determined to move on then you should see no issue in creating space so that you can adjust to your new life. This life does not include a failed relationship. By creating distance, you wont be reminded by that potentially sour ending or the fact you miss having your ex around. Start a new chapter without a relationship that clearly did not work out.

Embrace your independence

My independence is something I embraced so aggressively I still haven’t (and refuse to) surrender it fully in my current relationship. Luckily for me, my independence is something my BF admires about me.  Do I want to sit on my bed in my underwear, spend my Sunday watching Sex and the City all day, and order 24 Pizza Hut wings to be delivered at my door step (I never left my apartment that day)? Yes, I certainly do and yes I certainly will. Do I want to spend my entire weekend going out to every single social event my sorority has arranged for me (literally Wednesday-Sunday marathon)? As long as I spend my day working on homework then I see no issue with filling my evenings with these extracurricular activities. Do I feel like lounging by the pool at Lorenzo with all of my besties only to spend my evening going to dinner and then a movie? I think so I have nothing else going on. The best part: I don’t need to say “I can’t see you this weekend because I am busy living my exciting life with my friends” and “I don’t feel like driving to see you– I really want to sit in my underwear and do nothing today… I hope you understand.” Granted I never said those two things, but I imagine I would say something along those lines if I could turn back time.

Exercise and eat! 

Everyone does this and I mean everyone. It’s normal to get worked up about things and forget to eat, but it’s only going to lead to illness! When you put your body through stress, you’re more vulnerable to getting sick. When my friend went through a breakup, she asked me what I ate because she is having trouble with finding her appetite. I told her: “I ate literally whatever seemed appealing to me. 3 bags of single serving Hot Cheeto bags with a side of Instant Ramen? Let’s do it. It’s better than nothing.” As for exercising, the science that supports the many benefits it has on our mental health is enough to get me to the gym regardless of whether I am going through a breakup or not. You’ll be feeling a very down in the dumps and maybe even a bit anxious about what the future holds for you. Try a yoga class or go for a run. Both will clear your head and the endorphins aren’t so bad either ;)

Explore new outlets for happiness

Try a something that your ex was always reluctant to do. The key is to differentiate your happiness before from your happiness now. I decided that I wanted to expand my social circle so I began to socialize with different circles of people. I’ve made the best friends i’ve ever had as a result of that and also learned so much more about myself in the process. I found that my passion is for music–not just the music I was used to listening to but rather instead a totally new genre of music. I thought to myself, “hey let’s give deep house a try” and now you can’t keep me away from local venues all over Los Angeles (and sometimes in other areas of the US). I love music on an entirely new level and even hope to see myself working in the industry– something I never even considered doing until I stepped outside my comfort zone.

A note on first loves

I believe that the first breakup will be your hardest one ever. Your first love is a time for many firsts: first heart break, first “I love you,” first time you ever really thought of ending up with this person, and the first time you had to decide to call it quits and walk away. A first love teaches you that no matter how much you loved the idea of a person, it just didn’t work out. It tells you that you’re always changing and what you thought you wanted then is no longer what you want now. As tough as it may be at the time, it’s a time to be positive. I never considered many attributes my current boyfriend possess 4 years ago when I started to date my ex. Now I wonder to myself how I could have possibly overlooked those qualities in guys before. Through your relationships, you get one step closer to finding that perfection you had once believed existed in your ex. That “perfection” could be in your next boyfriend or in your fifth; there’s no set formula on how to find “The One,” so don’t stress about it and just let it happen. 

Keep your head up <3, your heart full, & Fight On!