“You Can Sit With Us” - Bystander Intervention Tips
By Joy Ofodu ‘18
You’re on Menlo, partying on a Thursday night. That girl who sits to your far left in Discussion every Tuesday is going hard on the dance floor (so you join her, duh). You part ways and bump into each other an hour later, but something has changed: She seems sluggish, exhausted and unwilling to follow her new companion out the door (a dude you absolutely don’t recognize). He seems really impatient to take her home, and she seems really really unwilling. What do you do?
The University provides a hefty amount of sexual assault prevention resources to new and continuing students in the form of emails, infographics, pamphlets, PDF attachments and text-heavy webpages. To complicate matters further, intervention can be a touchy, stuffy topic; It can be admittedly difficult to sift through the clutter and find words that resonate. How do we check in with our peers without causing a scene? What role do we play in getting our friends home safely?
After three years of partying as a sober Trojan, I have a few ideas:
Plot Together
When going out, have discussions with your friends beforehand about who will be drinking, dancing and disappearing with attractive strangers. These conversations can be hilarious and it helps to be direct: “Guys. I’m drinking tonight. Please don’t let me throw it back on that guy from last week.” Make nonverbal signals for common party communication (i.e. They’re cute, go for it, Girl RUN, I’m going to leave with this guy, please get her away from me, etc.)
Stay Together - It’s no fun partying completely alone (sadly, I’ve tried). Go out in threes and fours and look out for each other. Let the pack know when you’re straying away to shoot your shot or get you some. If the party gets shut down by DPS (and it will), be sure that you have an agreed-upon meeting point outside.
Skip the Shots
Choosing not to drink or smoke on nights when you’re already feeling particularly bold can help with decision-making and clear communication. Being incapacitated by drugs or alcohol can nullify a person’s ability to consent to sex; don’t blur the hard line of affirmative consent.
Check in with Them (Even if You Don’t Know Them)
Don’t limit your protective eye to the group you came with; look out for everyone at the party. It isn’t your job, but if you’re the one to witness as sticky situation, you should make it your mission to intervene.
Be Direct
Call out creepy behavior loudly & publicly. I remember the scariest moment of my freshman year: Watching a situation similar to the one I described in the intro, I cleared my throat and said “Hey, get your hands off of her. You should not be touching her like that; she doesn’t know who you are or what you’re doing.” The person I was addressing thankfully slunk away, and the girl I stepped in for was very grateful. The party raged on.
Extraction Techniques
Now that you know the basics, start drumming up your one-liners! It doesn’t take a whole speech to save the day. Try any of the following if you can’t get the person alone:
Hey, will you go pee with me? I HAVE TO GO NOW C'MON (Grab their hand here, it helps)
Bro, I have a migraine, can we go back home? (Grab your temples here, it helps)
Come help me find that guy on the team! I think I just saw him…
*Awkwardly dance in between them* (at your own discretion)
Yo, I think I’m gonna puke.
*Cue Bodak Yellow* Girl, we have to go do our dance!
Come take pics with me!
For strangers: Hey, do you want to come sit with us?
And if all else fails, be direct: Is this person making you feel uncomfortable? Can I call a Lyft for you to get somewhere?
Whether you’re a prospective or current student, I hope these tips help you & your squad navigate sketchy moments at daygers, lituations, tailgates and kickbacks with beauty and grace. Do you have other fun extraction techniques or relatable bystander tips? Feel free to re-blog + comment!
- Joy
For related University resources, please see below:
Title IX Office
Who Can I Talk To Infographic
RSVP Counseling Services
RSVP Therapy Groups
DPS Lines
University Park Campus
Emergency Line 213-740-4321
Non-Emergency Line 213-740-6000
Health Sciences Campus
Emergency 323-442-1000
Non-Emergency 323-442-1200
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