Can You Go The Distance? Not Everyone Can
By Lauren Brose ‘15
Having a relationship during college is a fairly controversial matter—and by controversial I mean that depending on whom you ask, attitudes toward it varies. Many view their college years as a time to find themselves, make lifelong friends and discover our potential in the field(s) pursued. Often times, having a significant other just doesn’t fit in. I have friends who don’t see the logic in wasting their precious youth on a person they most likely won’t end up with. For them, the trade-off of focusing on themselves far exceeds focusing on a boyfriend or girlfriend. I don’t necessarily disagree with that. Relationships can be, at times, emotionally and mentally draining. It can also take up a lot of your time.
A relationship during college definitely has its upsides and downsides. Having a significant other around may mean there’s never a dull moment but as a result you may not see your friends as often. Being single means you can focus on yourself but all physical interaction with the opposite sex inevitably ends shortly after the affair (aka a hookup). You’re both commitment-phobes and typically sever ties before any hint of feelings develop. And then there’s the odd middle ground of the two: distance relationships. Distance relationships have a negative stigma of leaving both parties with feelings of distrust and insecurity. My friends frown upon them for the most part and people often suggest things would be easier—simpler— if I found a nice boy at my own school. Yes, you’ve heard that right; I am guilty of having a boyfriend who goes to college on the opposite side of the country. And I’m here telling you that unless you’ve had a distance relationship during college you probably base all attitudes off speculation and he-said-she-said’s. In other words, just like all relationships, not all distance relationships are the same.
Having a distance relationship is one of the most challenging things I have ever done. It’s helped me mature, have trust in people, appreciate the little things, and most importantly, stay focused on my personal goals. The thing is, I never intended to have a boyfriend during college. I was that person who didn’t see the logic in dating during the most important time of my young adult years. I would look back at college with resentment toward the men I had wasted my time with—men that weren’t my future and simply stood in the way of my future. When I met my boyfriend, we instantly clicked and everything just felt right. I knew I couldn’t let this opportunity go to waste, and fortunately he felt the same way. We both swore off relationships during college and ended up together. It’s funny how things work out….
That being said, distance relationships are no walk in the park. I am going to be completely honest; they’re not for the faint of heart. You may go several months without a single hug or kiss— you may even forget the way he or she smells. I try my best to see my boyfriend as often as possible, but with school, jobs and my own social agenda, it does become difficult. With as much open-mindedness as possible, I’ve constructed a list of pros and cons based from my personal experiences:
You keep your social life
In theory, you never have to choose between friends and your SO. Like all healthy relationships, you still need to find a way to balance the two. A common theme of when my friends get new boyfriends is that I see them significantly less. For the most part everyone is guilty of that when something new and exciting, such as a new love, comes into your life. With my boyfriend there and me here, I schedule times in our day to FaceTime and it usually works out in terms of living the best of both worlds. I have my vidchat date and then I go out and live my life with my friends.
You get to throw out all expectations society makes
Because your relationship is already unconventional, you have the freedom to take it as slow as you want to. That worked great for me since I had never before been in a distance relationship before. We didn’t decide to fully commit to each other until we knew how we really felt. Today it’s one of our favorite parts about us.
You’re communicating nonstop everyday
Because we aren’t there to see it firsthand, how good you both are at communicating will make or break a relationship. My boyfriend and I text all day everyday with quick updates on how our days are going as well as whatever else comes to mind. We often tag each other in funny Facebook and Instagram posts that remind us of each other. Little things like that bring me joy because I love feeling thought of while getting in a good laugh.
Fights are a challenge
Misinterpreting text tonality and not being able to sort things out face to face will be the biggest struggle when physical interaction is limited. As strange as it sounds, my fights are best resolved over FaceTime. Being able to see facial expressions and emotions really goes a long way. Sometimes I will be spiteful over the phone but the moment I see his face I realize I am being harsh and lighten up.
Hugs and cuddles are scarce
There will be moments when all you want is a long hug or to be cuddled and the one person you want to do it with is a quick 6 hour flight away. You have to understand that in a distance relationship your boyfriend or girlfriend won’t always be there to give you physical support. This is when you turn to your best friends for their support. I receive an overwhelming amount of support from my friends and they understand my circumstances are a bit different from theirs. Your significant other will understand that no one is to blame for his or her absence—it comes with the territory.
You’re jealous of your friends with boyfriends and girlfriends at the same school
Lunch between classes, study dates, football games, sorority invites… my friends get to experience it all with their significant others and here I am counting down the days until the next time I get to see mine. I envy the simplicity of their lives. The biggest issue they face is whose place are they sleeping at tonight and what do they want for dinner. As much as I yearn for it, I wouldn’t trade my current boyfriend for a boyfriend at USC just because it’s easier.
Trust is the entire foundation of the relationship
I find that I don’t trust people easily (or at all). I would never be able to date someone I didn’t trust let alone pursue a distance relationship with them. The first time I visited my boyfriend at his college campus, I was so nervous I almost got cold feet. I asked myself if I trusted him and trusted that he wouldn’t hurt me (or worse: abandon me in the middle of a city I have no knowledge of) and I knew that the answer to that question was everything. Without trust, you have nothing.
You will be temped to blow your bank account on flights
Sometimes I am feeling extra bold and start browsing flights to Boston. I tell myself that I don’t care what the cost is because I miss my best friend. Don’t do it. You will regret it later when your bank account is bleeding cash and you are falling into a debt your parents won’t be pleased to hear about.
You will feel as if you’re always missing something
My favorite night during all of fall semester was the night of Sigma Chi Derby Days. I saw A$AP Ferg and Ubered to the Shrine to see Nervo and Fatboy Slim. I had an absolute blast with my friends but knew deep down that my night could’ve been more epic. I knew that the only other person who would truly appreciate how deep Fatboy Slim’s set went wasn’t able to be there with me that night.
Sometimes technology will be the enemy
Technology usually makes distances more manageable with FaceTime and Skype enabling face-to-face interaction. Sometimes you will hit a wall and it’s the most frustrating experience ever. Maybe the Internet connection is unreliable or you left your laptop charger at your friend’s house. It’s such a tease and you want to break chairs.
And don’t even get me started on time difference
Time difference doesn’t seem that big of a deal at first. I started to notice the inconvenience when I was going out with my friends. When my boyfriend’s night is over (and he’s drunk and wants to chat) my night is just getting started. I want to have someone to talk to when my night is over but it’ll be 6am EST by then. When you visit each other, you’re programmed onto different time zones. My boyfriend gets exhausted at night when I am still wide-awake and he wakes up hours before I rise. Manageable—sure— but inconvenient as heck.
But, that feeling when you do see each other again… :D
Nothing made me happier than being greeted by my boyfriend at the airport after spending two months apart. I remember the butterflies I felt in my stomach as our eyes met and the enormous smiles that spread across our faces. We sat in his car and talked about the flight, how glad we are to be reunited and what are we going to do first?
Distance may be tough, but if it’s with the right person it’s more rewarding than you can imagine. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone but only those who are absolutely sure that this is what they want. Life would be much easier without dealing with a distance relationship but when I imagine my life without Nick I couldn’t be more bored of what I see. I wouldn’t go the distance with just anyone. Because we love each other and are certain that this is the right thing to do, we never doubt it and count the days until we are together again.
