Grief, Loss & Death in College.

By: Ellice Ellis ‘20

There is no surprise that college is stressful. Between balancing work, friendships, internships and your financial life, these formative years teach us a lot about ourselves and the way we handle stress.

In the event that something tragic happens, it can be hard to cope and balance it with the already strenuous college experience.

In April as I was preparing for finals, my father passed suddenly. My world was flipped upside down. I talked to my dad twice everyday about anything from my lectures in my law class to Colin Kaepernick to drama with my friends.

Suddenly not having him there to talk to for advice threw off daily life. No day felt complete. I was depressed - unable to focus and constantly feeling empty.

Loss and subsequent grief can come in many forms. Whether it is being rejected from your dream internship (it’s happened to me), experiencing a heart-wrenching breakup, or losing a loved one, there are healthy and effective ways deal with the pain.

1. Take some “me time” to grieve

After my dad passed, I went home for two weeks to be around family. But once I came back to school, I found I was crying and laying in bed for hours a day.

I thought crying in front of my friends was a weakness, but it helped me process my emotions. Taking time to yourself to just let it all out and not have it together is much healthier than hiding your emotions and forcing yourself to be ‘okay’. Remember that you are not okay and the healing process is about you and how you are feeling and not how you look to outsiders.

2. Rethink your schedule

A common way to avoid coping and grieving is overcommitting. You might start attending more club meetings and filling up your schedule to avoid being alone and facing your feelings. Remember that your commitment to your clubs and social activities is not as important as your commitment to you and your mental health. You’ll be able to start the healing process once you remove distractions, not piling on more.

3. Don’t put a timeline on healing.

Everyone grieves differently. Although I do not cry for hours everyday, I still talk immensely about my dad as a coping mechanism. Before I came to this realization I would compare my healing process to that of my mom’s and my siblings’. Some of them seemed ok sooner than I was and I became jealous, frustrated and confused. Remember that everyone heals at their own pace and in many situations healing is a lifelong process.

4. Share and talk about it.

Death, disappointment and sadness can be taboo. Even when I talk about not getting an internship I wanted I can feel uncomfortable or as if I am a burden to the people around me. Talking about what you are going through is a great way to process and let out your emotions, whether it be to a friend or to a therapist.

If you have lost a loved one, from my experience it helps to share happy memories with family and friends. I’ve even made a playlist of songs that remind me of my dad to channel all the good times we had together. Being expressive about the person you lost helps keeps their spirit alive, especially when you are grieving the most.

5. Seek help.

Remember that you are not going through this alone. Tell your professors about what you are going through so if they see changes academically they have an idea of what’s causing it. From my own experience, professors are very open to working with you on assignment deadlines and other academic challenges you might face.

Never be afraid to talk to someone. Going to therapy doesn’t mean you are crazy or weird, it means you’re on a path to healing. Visit: https://engemannshc.usc.edu/counseling/ if you’re in need of services on campus. Talking to a professional is great if you feel lost and have no clue who or where to turn.

Lastly, remember to communicate with your support system. Whether it is your roommate, friends, sorority sisters or fraternity brothers, these people are on campus and if you let them know what you need, I’m more than sure they will support you. Many of my friends knew how close I was and how much I loved my dad. When I told them I needed to talk, their ears were always open.

There is no easy way to grieve. Like I said before, everyone does it differently and I cannot assure you that what has worked for me will work for you. Nevertheless, make sure you are putting yourself first. 

If you take care of yourself and your mental health, everything else will fall in line eventually.

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