Removing Toxicity and Practicing Self-Love

By: Natalie Oganesyan ‘22

I was recently moved to make this post because of an experience in my personal life concerning relationships. Without going into too much sensitive detail, I cared about a person who did not reciprocate my same feelings. They led me on and, in the end, I felt a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions that I could not shake for a long time — frustration, anger, sadness, betrayal, even stupidity. I felt cheated, discarded, naive, especially since this was my first attempt at a romantic relationship. I wanted to make this blog post to help others who may be in the same position, who are struggling to get over a friendship or relationship with a toxic person or who need a little help practicing self-love in getting rid of people in their lives that only spread negativity.

• Realize it’s going to be difficult
  

Recovery from anything is a long, strenuous, and often bumpy process. There are no straight edges, no guides, no one way to do it. It’s something that, unfortunately, you have to figure out for yourself. People grieve and move on in different ways. There is no right or wrong (usually, more on this later) approach to moving on and being happy with oneself despite what others may have done to you. If recovery means crying every day until one day you forget to and then keep forgetting, then so be it. If recovery means denial first until you reach a mental breakdown and face your feelings, then that’s okay, too.

• There are healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms
  

I hate to tell you this, but there are ways of dealing with emotional stress and trauma that are not advisable and will ultimately hurt you more in the end. Drowning your sorrow in substances or withdrawing from others for extended periods of time can lead to destructive behavior and serious mental health illnesses. If you feel that you are unable to deal with your situation on your own, that’s okay. Reach out to your friends, consider seeing a therapist, go to a support group. Here are some helpful links:

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

https://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/crisis-hotlines

https://studenthealth.usc.edu/counseling/counseling-services/

https://calendar.usc.edu/department/engemann_student_health_center

• Do not — under any circumstances — go back
  

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. I call BS if that habit is being with or around a certain person. There is no exact science or calculation for how much time is enough to stop dwelling on an individual and what they did to you. If the toxic person in your life is truly damaging to your psyche and well-being, do NOT go back to them. As emotional beings, we don’t like feeling anything that makes us uncomfortable, scared, lonely, or sad. It’s natural to want to justify someone’s problematic behavior because you love them or bargain for their time back even if they didn’t treat you properly. However, you’re ultimately doing yourself a disservice if you decide to reintroduce them into your life, especially if they haven’t made the proper changes for you to do so. If someone’s actions mimic old bad habits and the same abuse that got you to where you are in the first place, do not take them back. If this person actively belittles your feelings or makes excuses for their crappy behavior and shows no sign of remorse, they don’t deserve you in their life.

• If you relapse though, that’s okay, too
  

I have seen so many of my friends go back to emotionally abusive and manipulative people because of the trap that is toxicity. It’s okay. We’re human. We make mistakes, we reflect on them, and then we do better. It’s okay to crave love and attention, even if it’s from the wrong person. Give yourself time to adjust, grieve, hurt, make bad decisions, and do whatever it is that you have to do to eventually get to a better place. I’m not advising you to continually go back to a toxic individual, but know that if it happens once or twice, it’s alright. However, if you feel that it is becoming a trend, I would suggest blocking the person on social media and avoiding all contact. Perhaps seek advice from a friend or professional about how you can curb your tendency to go back to that toxic person.

• Holding grudges — I’m still trying to figure this one out
  

If you’re anything like me, you hold grudges for a while. That is until you feel that the anger is so severely disadvantaging you that you physically can’t afford to be bitter and pissed anymore. I have a mixed viewpoint on grudges. On one hand, I firmly believe in the Buddha proverb which states that “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Take it from someone who is furious for a variety of reasons stemming from politics to everyday annoyances mostly 24/7: after a time, it is purely exhausting to hold onto anger and grudges. However, I also recognize the fact that feelings are hard to control if they even can be controlled at all. If you feel angry, aside from trying to let off some steam, there’s not much you can do. I recommend journaling, venting to a friend, punching something soft (don’t punch walls and please stay safe when doing this!), screaming, or any activity of this variety. Remember that it’ll take a minute for your anger to subside. If you’ve been wronged, you will most likely feel a conglomeration of scorn and indignation which is completely valid. Let yourself be furious and livid, yet recognize that eventually, that person is no longer worth being so pressed about.

• Anyone can be toxic
  

I firmly believe that family can be toxic and that it is completely justified to cut them off if they harm your emotional, mental, or physical well-being. It does not matter what status a person occupies in your life — if they’re an authority figure or not, if they’re your blood or not, if you’ve been friends or have dated for years. Toxicity is identical in every individual. Manipulation, coercion, and abuse cannot be justified by someone’s relation to you. Often family can be the most toxic. In my opinion, you choose your family by who you decide you love. If someone is undercutting your self-worth, you don’t need them in your life. Which leads me to…

• Know your worth
  

Repeat after me: I deserve the world and nothing less. Coming from someone who’s struggled in her teen years to finally feel worthy, beautiful, and enough, life is too short to not practice self-love. Learn to love yourself unconditionally, despite the mistakes you may have made or the flaws you have. Practice healthy behavior, learn to care for yourself (physically and mentally), surround yourself with people who appreciate your worth, inspire you, and give you room to grow. Do what it is that you need to do to get to a place where you are happy and content with yourself. In this life, that is everything.

• I’m here for you, if anything!
  

If you feel you don’t have anyone you can reach out to and talk about something with, I am always here for you. DM me on IG @natalieo.o.

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