Setting Boundaries: Saying "No"
By: Sydney Fiorentino ‘25
Last year, I was exhausted because I said yes to going out constantly. But this year, I’ve worked on learning to choose what’s right for me. Whether it be in a friendship, relationship, or with family, it’s important to set boundaries for yourself so you don’t get emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. According to Therapist Aid, “Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships.” The boundary I’ve worked to cultivate most this year is the power of simply saying no.
I struggled with this, especially with friendships. I’m more of a selfless type of person, and last semester, every time I was invited to someone’s house or to go out to a party, I would say yes. In my head, this was my chance to make friends and have an exciting college experience, but internally, I felt socially exhausted and just wanted to stay home sometimes.
Even if I got the courage to say no to a last minute invite, I would feel FOMO from an onslaught of texts from my friends saying “Where are you? We want you here!” It felt great to be wanted, but I’d hold firm and reply, “Maybe I’ll go. We’ll see. I am really tired.” This would lead to more texts telling me how sad they are that I’m not there. As much as I didn’t want to go because I was exhausted in all aspects of my life, I would get up and go meet up with them after enough texts.
As the cycle continued through the end of the semester, I felt drained. I wasn’t happy, I was tired all the time, I wanted to sleep the whole day, and I didn’t want to leave my apartment. So I did that. I closed off to the world to refill my social battery, made a personal to-do list, and did what I wanted.
Looking back, I realized that the cycle I went through and my old habits were unhealthy. I shouldn’t have gotten to the point of extreme exhaustion, and I should have just said “no” to extra things to begin with. Here are the two most important things I learned from saying “no” more often:
It’s okay to be selfish sometimes.
The word “selfish” sometimes has a negative connotation, but if being selfish is what you need to do to make you happy, then do it. It’s okay to say no because you don’t want to do something, and that is 100% justified. Go buy yourself that top, cut off a toxic relationship that is no longer meant for you, or break things off with your old best friend if she’s hurting you.
It’s okay to set boundaries.
Don’t let others guilt or persuade you. Your answer is your answer, and if no is your answer, stick to it. Saying no isn’t a bad thing. Boundaries are a way for you to communicate your needs and let you protect yourself. If you let people cross your boundaries then you’re letting people control you. You are living for yourself, remember that.
There are many different types of boundaries you can set in different contexts, but especially for friendships and relationships, don’t forget the power of saying no when you’re not in the mood to make plans.
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